Who knew being prepared could make such a difference in managing incontinence?
Incontinence can be one of the most difficult areas of our caregiving journeys. It’s personal. It’s awkward. It’s rarely something discussed — by anyone — making it potentially uncomfortable to talk about. It’s also one of the most important areas to navigate with compassion and dignity — for us and for our care receiver.
Early preparation is essential. This is your moment of truth as a caregiver. Ask yourself: Can I handle this physically? Mentally? Emotionally? And if so, how? The good news is, you’ve got time to think it through, talk with others, and make smart decisions. Use this runway wisely — your future self will thank you.
We are Nancy Treaster and Sue Ryan — we’ve faced incontinence care head-on. Trust us, it’s better to think about this now or you’ll wish you had.
There’s a lot going on with incontinence! In this article, we’re sharing four game-changing tips to help you be prepared. We’ve created five areas of focus with preparation being the first. At the end of this article, we’ll introduce you to the other four.
Before the Tips — Understanding the Early Signs
Because incontinence doesn’t appear at the same time for everyone, it’s helpful to know how to recognize signs it’s coming soon, so you can begin preparing.
Indicators incontinence is coming soon include:
- Forgetting to flush the toilet.
- Putting toilet paper in the trash can instead of flushing it.
- Looking confused about where the bathroom is.
- Looking urgently for the bathroom.
- Not making it to the bathroom in time (usually starting with urinary incontinence).
Tip 1: Have an open conversation before incontinence begins
One of the most helpful ways to navigate incontinence is by talking about it with your loved one before it begins. Yes, this may feel uncomfortable. Meaningful conversations support you and your care receiver talking about the journey, your care receiver’s wishes, and your concerns, so you’re able to navigate incontinence with peace — especially during challenges.
Sue’s Experience:
I found having an open dialogue with my care receivers about incontinence early on helped both of us prepare mentally, physically, and emotionally. We discussed how we felt about it — our fears, our concerns, our questions — and explored answers together. I knew what was important to my care receiver, and we knew how to support each other early on, while we both could.
This collaborative approach made the transition much smoother when incontinence did occur. We even experimented with different types of incontinence underwear before we needed them, so I knew what was most comfortable for my care receivers when the time came.
Nancy’s Experience:
While I didn’t have this conversation with my husband, I can see now how beneficial it could have been. If you can have this discussion, it allows you to address any areas of discomfort and plan together for the changes ahead. Even if you can’t have a full conversation, introducing the topic gently can help ease the transition later on.
Tip 2: Research and prepare behind the scenes
Whether or not you’ve had an open conversation, you can begin preparing quietly behind the scenes.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to this process:
- Research washable urinary incontinence underwear online.
- Look for styles that closely resemble your loved one’s current underwear. Note the colors available:
— For men, they’re often black and gray.
— For women, there is a wider variety of colors. - Gradually introduce these colors into your loved one’s underwear drawer.
- Slowly remove the old styles (like white underwear or boxers for men).
Nancy’s Experience:
I started by researching washable urinary incontinence underwear. For men, these often come in black or gray, which conveniently matches the colors of mens disposable incontinence underwear. I gradually replaced my husband’s white underwear with black and gray ones — in the same style he was used to, making the eventual transitions to washable and then disposable incontinence products less noticeable.
Sue’s Experience:
I took a collaborative approach with my care receivers. We experimented with different types of underwear before incontinence began, allowing them to choose what felt most comfortable. This made the transition to incontinence products much easier when the time came. We looked at options with different levels of absorbency, so we could transition gradually as needs changed.
Additional Preparation Tips:
- Research products for cleaning your care receiver.
- For outings, call ahead to ask about family bathrooms. This can make bathroom trips easier and more dignified.
- If the location doesn’t have a family bathroom, and you’re going with friends, consider enlisting a “bathroom buddy” of the same gender to invite your loved one to go to the bathroom part way during your time together.
- For outings, take a photo of your loved one before leaving home. This can help if your loved one goes into a restroom you can’t go into. If they don’t come back out promptly, you can show their picture to someone going into the restroom so they can check on your loved one.
Tip 3: Prepare yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally
Caring for a loved one with incontinence can be physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging. It’s helpful to intentionally prepare yourself in all areas.
Nancy’s Experience:
I realized I needed to build upper body strength to better care for my husband. I started a strength training regimen specifically focused on improving my ability as a caregiver. This was crucial for helping with balance issues and assisting during bathroom visits.
Sue’s Experience:
I learned the importance of giving ourselves grace. It’s okay if we’re not comfortable or capable of handling incontinence care. Some caregivers find this to be the point where they realize they need to bring care into their home or moving their loved one to a continuing care community is the wisest choice for everyone.
I found it helpful to practice certain caregiving tasks early on. For example, I would practice helping my care receiver up, ensuring I was strong enough to support them if needed, and testing if I was able to keep them — and me — safe if they became resistant.
Nancy and Sue’s Mental and Emotional Preparation:
Acknowledge it’s okay to feel uncomfortable or physically unable.
Seek support through counseling, support groups, conversations with family members, working with professional caregivers.
Practice positive reinforcement.
Nancy: “A professional caregiver taught me the power of saying things like “Great job!” or “Excellent!” during bathroom routines. It made a significant difference in my husband’s mood and cooperation.”
Maintain positive body language and facial expressions. Your loved one will pick up on your emotions. Staying calm and positive can help them feel more at ease, which makes your work easier.
Tip 4: Give grace to family members and set clear boundaries
Not everyone will be comfortable dealing with incontinence — and that’s okay.
Nancy’s Experience:
I learned this lesson the hard way when I asked my son to care for his father without discussing the incontinence issue first. He had to tell me he wasn’t comfortable with it, which put him in an awkward position. It’s better to have these conversations upfront and give family members the opportunity to set their own boundaries.
Sue’s Experience:
I found it helpful to have open discussions with family members about their comfort levels with various aspects of care, including incontinence. This allowed us to plan appropriately and avoid putting anyone in an uncomfortable situation.
Tips for Family Discussions
- Have these conversations early, before incontinence becomes an issue.
- Be clear about what caregiving might involve, including incontinence care.
- Reassure family members that it’s okay if they’re not comfortable with certain aspects of care.
- Discuss alternative ways family members can help if they’re not comfortable with hands-on care.
Final Thoughts
Incontinence can be one of the most challenging aspects of the caregiving journey, yet with preparation and the right mindset, it’s manageable. Important points include:
- Start preparing early, even before signs of incontinence appear.
- Prioritize dignity. Use terms like “underwear” instead of “diapers” or “pull-ups”.
- Give yourself and your loved ones grace as you navigate this path.
- Stay positive and use encouraging language, even in difficult moments.
- It’s okay to decide professional care is needed — this is a personal decision based on your unique situation.
As fellow caregivers, that you’re not alone on this journey. Reach out to support groups, healthcare professionals, and fellow caregivers for advice and emotional support.
There’s a lot to incontinence!
There’s a lot to the incontinence part of diagnosis journeys for both care receivers and caregivers, so much that we created a 5-part series to cover it. This article and its supporting podcast are the first in the series.
If you want to watch or listen to the podcast for this first topic, please click here.
Each additional podcast will be found in the same place. The five topics of the incontinence series are:
- Incontinence — Preparing
- Pre-Incontinence and Incontinence Begins
- Cleaning Your Care Receiver and Urinary Incontinence
- Bed Bound and Bowel Movement Incontinence
- Incontinence Overnight
If you have tips you think others would benefit from, please share them on our Facebook page or Instagram page.
If you’d like more information on this topic listen to the podcast here.
We’re all on this journey together.
